More on Acting
This isn't another theater post, much as I wish it was.
The latest manifestation of my wrestle with depression sometimes frightens me.
First...I've discussed this rationally with some family, and they've narrowed it down some...so I'm not afraid of any public meltdowns.
But...very specifically.
Anxiety, which has been the main manifestation that I've dealt with since 2004 is popping up at some rather difficult times.
When I'm at work, surprisingly, I'm ok. Because I'm busy and distracted, and *I'm not physically by myself.* When other people, clients, co-worker's, friends are with me I'm the person most people who know me offline would recognize. Sort of the opposite of social anxiety disorder.
Also, at times when I *expect* to be alone in the apartment (roomate at work, or out etc.) I'm cool. Also, since paratransit trips have become the "norm" I no longer freak out while waiting for transport. That used to be a problem, and isn't now.
But, when someone is supposed to be here and isn't, or takes longer about returning than I judge they should....
Sudden abject, emotional level of a two year old terror. I'm alone. No one's coming to help me...If the roomate is suddenly *gone* how will I get to work? Did they have an asthma attack? Are they in the hospital? etc etc ad nauseaum. *I'm* tired of it. It's old. And I know the roomate/pca is tired of it too.
I have this whole control freak thing going about *how long* an unexpected event will last. And if I'm in public when this happens...I start acting. It's all I can do. Project the image that everything is fine and hold out for that point when the universe will right itself and I will no longer percieve myself as stranded or abandoned (Remember, this isn't rational stuff and I'm not trying to say it is.)
I have benefits beginning in May. This will be addressed, and I'm doing many non-medicinal things to fight these types of terrors.
What I hate the most is that I recognize the beginning of this controlling, scheduled, obsessive have-to-know-what comes next.
I don't want to follow in the footsteps of [several] family members who have gone down this road.
The latest manifestation of my wrestle with depression sometimes frightens me.
First...I've discussed this rationally with some family, and they've narrowed it down some...so I'm not afraid of any public meltdowns.
But...very specifically.
Anxiety, which has been the main manifestation that I've dealt with since 2004 is popping up at some rather difficult times.
When I'm at work, surprisingly, I'm ok. Because I'm busy and distracted, and *I'm not physically by myself.* When other people, clients, co-worker's, friends are with me I'm the person most people who know me offline would recognize. Sort of the opposite of social anxiety disorder.
Also, at times when I *expect* to be alone in the apartment (roomate at work, or out etc.) I'm cool. Also, since paratransit trips have become the "norm" I no longer freak out while waiting for transport. That used to be a problem, and isn't now.
But, when someone is supposed to be here and isn't, or takes longer about returning than I judge they should....
Sudden abject, emotional level of a two year old terror. I'm alone. No one's coming to help me...If the roomate is suddenly *gone* how will I get to work? Did they have an asthma attack? Are they in the hospital? etc etc ad nauseaum. *I'm* tired of it. It's old. And I know the roomate/pca is tired of it too.
I have this whole control freak thing going about *how long* an unexpected event will last. And if I'm in public when this happens...I start acting. It's all I can do. Project the image that everything is fine and hold out for that point when the universe will right itself and I will no longer percieve myself as stranded or abandoned (Remember, this isn't rational stuff and I'm not trying to say it is.)
I have benefits beginning in May. This will be addressed, and I'm doing many non-medicinal things to fight these types of terrors.
What I hate the most is that I recognize the beginning of this controlling, scheduled, obsessive have-to-know-what comes next.
I don't want to follow in the footsteps of [several] family members who have gone down this road.
posted by imfunnytoo at 5:27 PM
4 Comments:
Oh...crap. This is bad news. I've seen the end of a couple of movies with a similar script and it's not good.
I am so glad to hear that you're determined to get on this early.
I'm sorry to hear this. I have both anxiety and depression, too. The anxiety really does wind itself up into a self-perpetuating frenzy.
But the good news is that, of all the "classes" of mental disorders, the anxiety disorders respond the best to treatment. That's been true for me, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
I've been on a great med since 04 and I'm not quite ready to give it up for another yet. Perhaps same med different dosage will be my answer.
Hi, I'm with you too on anxiety and depression. You've won half the battle by recognising what your specific problems are. And you are doing all you can. Hugs ((()))
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home